My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
