Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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