Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
