I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
