forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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