please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
