I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
