I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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