Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
