at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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