I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Randomize
