Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have aggressive nipples.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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