I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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