i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
