One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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