i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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