have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
