i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
