I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
