Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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