I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
