Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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