somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I sprained my soul last night
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Randomize
