why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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