I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
