first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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