Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
