Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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