see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
