mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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