so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
