Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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