he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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