Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
