Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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