suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
