Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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