I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
