After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
