He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
