It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
