GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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