How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
