I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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