Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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