My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
