I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
