it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just threw up on my dentist
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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