I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
