Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
