So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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