Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My penis needs a shock collar
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
