I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
